Hands of Time
I remember one evening as a child, playing outside, when I suddenly found myself staring at my hands. I couldn’t believe how small they were. “I should have hands like an adult,” I thought. It felt strange to be in such a tiny body. Something flickered in my mind—an idea I couldn’t quite grasp. I remembered that I must be a grown woman because all my thoughts about myself tied back to that image. Everything felt wrong, but I couldn’t figure out why. I stood up, leaving my toys behind, and headed inside to find my mom.
“Mom, when do I get to be a grown-up?” I asked, catching her busy by the stove. She looked at me, surprised and thoughtful, then replied, “It’s going to take a little while before you grow up. First, you have to go to school and finish it, and then you’ll be an adult.” Hearing this, I felt crushed. I was still in kindergarten, and I couldn’t imagine how long it would take before I even got to school. Throughout my childhood, I remember desperately wanting to grow up. Not because I wanted to enjoy an independent life, but because I believed I was meant to have an adult body that I had somehow lost.
I also wanted to go to school because I felt so alone in kindergarten. Other kids avoided me and called me weird because I preferred reading books over playing with toys. Once I figured out the letters, I dove into the world of books, where I found friends and adventures that I didn’t have in the real world. Even when I did make friends, life’s twists and turns always pulled us apart after brief connections. Yet, I always felt this deep need to find someone I had lost long ago. It wasn’t just a thought; it was a certainty.
As I grew older, I forgot my childhood “foolishness” and tried to fit in with life and the people around me. It didn’t go particularly well, though, because I always felt like I was in the wrong time and place. Sometimes, I even thought that maybe I was adopted, as I never felt that deep sense of connection with my family that you read about in books and see in movies.
The worst part is being surrounded by people yet feeling utterly alone. As I navigate the complexities of my identity, I begin to unravel the truth that I wasn’t just a girl in a small body; I am something far beyond that. With each revelation, I sense a connection to a world beyond this one...